Purely Drivel

baking class reflections

Yesterday was a huge, huge step for me.

I said no to fear and yes to growing.  

Tom and I left for Santa Cruz early, enjoyed a beautiful drive through the foothills to the coast and had a little brunch at the Harbor Cafe.  It was delicious and funky and all of the servers sort of looked like they just rolled out of bed (the joys of a coastal college community).  I had a lovely frittata and am going to be obsessed with learning how to make them - especially since our layers are finally starting to lay and we're going to be inundated with eggs in the next few months.  We also hit a Farmer's Market on the way to the school, which helped calm my jangly nerves a little bit more.

Y'all, I could live at that Farmer's Market.  Baby artichokes, bloomsdale spinach, leeks and tulips - oh, the tulips!  Stunning.

But I didn't drive two hours to buy tulips (though I would!).  I drove to take the gluten-free baking community class at Bauman College.  I've been researching holistic nutrition schools that offer distance learning, and Bauman has quickly risen to the top of my list.  When I found the gluten-free class, I knew it would be a perfect way to learn something new and check out the school a little closer at the same time.

I did learn a few things - I'll definitely no longer be buying almond meal for $11.99 a bag when I can make my own in the food processor in about a minute for a quarter of the cost.  Underneath all of that whipped cream and whipped coconut cream (oh.my.heck.amazing) up there, is an almond cake that I adore and intend to make a few spice adjustments to and share soon.  It's also going to make a great base for strawberry shortcake once they're in season.  Best of all - no wheat or gluten and no refined sugars!  We also made a butternut squash tort that I can't wait to play with...as soon as I get some small tart pans.  It would be perfect with banana pudding (one of the chef's mentioned a raw banana pudding made with soaked cashews that I can't wait to try) or pumpkin for Thanksgiving.  Nor more having to eat around the crust for me!

It was a fairly basic class, with most of the students barely knowing their way around a kitchen, so I don't think I came home with too much new information.  I did learn some basic ratios for baking with gluten free flours that I want to work with.  And I got to test out some ingredients I've never used before - agar agar, coconut sugar (which I could eat with a spoon and is a very low glycemic sweetener), and coconut cream.  We also had a lunch that the chef's prepared for us that included a miso and takame (seaweed) soup that I'm anxious to try on my own.

And I learned that I need to look into Bauman further.  Their philosophy is so on with mine - that we honor our bodies and our Creator when we eat in ways that promote health, that what is naturally in the foods we  eat is more important that what is processed out, whole foods are vital, low gluten diets for everyone (easier on digestion), and that creating and serving healthful food for others is one of the greatest things we can do.  We even see eye to eye on soy (organic only, fermented or sprouted).  Their vision of working with individuals, families and communities toward wellness mirrors my own, and I think this might be the place to make it happen.  

 I was surprised how much I loved working with the chefs.  Chef Rebecca was our main instructor and hugged me three times before I left.  I've been most interested in Bauman for their distance learning nutrition, but I think perhaps after that I'd love to figure out a way to take the natural chef program also.  I will definitely be taking all of the community courses I can!

Next month is Indian food.  Anyone want to join me?

Caution: Sharp Curves Ahead

 It's Thursday evening and I'm still pondering this past Sunday's message.  The sermon topic was Experiencing Life Through Death and covered John 12:12-36.  What a packed section of Scripture!  In particular, I've been really focusing on John 12:4:

 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

This past year has been one of pruning and changing seasons, but not necessarily death.  And as I ponder this - as I pray and seek about what in me needs to die to give birth to something new - I keep coming back to one word:

FEAR.

I've been developing this kind of crazy vision over the past few months, truly the culmination of a combination of passions that have grown over the past few years.  Of going back to school to earn a nutrition degree and of starting a holistic nutrition practice that focuses on helping individuals and families seek wellness.  Of teaching other's how to thrive with food allergies and illness.  Of maybe even adding fitness training or some culinary coaching.  

And I am so afraid I can hardly even begin to think about how to start.

I'm afraid of going back to school, of really putting my brain back to work.  Of the interaction with other students and of being in my mid-30's.

I'm afraid of starting a practice, of telling people how to eat and what to do.

(everyone I ever grew up with just laughed at that - because I've never really had a problem bossing people around)

I'm afraid of finding clients, worried that people won't like me.  

But I keep coming back to the idea of a wheat kernel falling to the ground and remaining a single seed (and yes, I find the fact that this verse is speaking to a fear that has been kindled in part by my inability to eat said wheat kernel a bit ironic).  Of what I could do if I can overcome that fear and the seeds that could be produced.  I think of other's like me, who struggle to figure out what it means to live with a medically restricted diet.  I think of families that want to change - to be healthier - but don't know where to begin.  And I think of what it has meant to my life to understand nutrition and the passion I feel when sharing it with others.

So I'm thinking, and praying, and researching schools.  Debating the difference between hands-on learning and distance, trying to figure out financing.  Contemplating what it will mean to our family to have another parent taking classes.

Putting fear to death, and waiting to see what grows. 

And getting ready for some sharp curves ahead. 

the sum of it all

 

Our one "fun" stop on our cross country drive was the Grand Canyon.  We've never been before and it wasn't too far off the route we were taking, so it seemed silly to miss it.

My overall impression?

It looked fake. 

I know - that's sort of a sacrilege to say out loud.

But it did.

The overwhelming scope - the width, the depth, the sheer grandness of it.

It all seemed a little fake...like something you'd see at Disneyland.

Until I brought my vision in just a bit, and focused on one section at a time.

 
Like the ridge that appeared to be knife sharp along it's peak.

 
Or another area that looked stacked, almost like pancakes.

Looking at the smaller chunks, I was able to focus on the reality of where I was, and to find my place in it.

And again...it hit me...perspective.

That one little word I chose to focus on for 2011.  The one I'd forgotten about in the hustle and bustle of the move.  The one thing I've been so lacking for this past week - with financial stress, a sick child and husband, and a job interview tomorrow (that I want Tom to get so much, but don't really dare to hope for) - the big picture is just a little bit overwhelming at the moment.

Finding perspective...seeking to find God's vision in all of this...it isn't going to be easy, but taking my eyes off the big picture for a few moments and finding something smaller to focus on is making it a little less overwhelming.

perspective

 
 

Time is growing increasingly short as we prepare for this move.  The paper chain I made before Christmas is down to just it's last very few links, Uncle Tim has arrived to help drive the moving truck, almost all of the "official" goodbyes have been said.

It's been emotional, tiring, and good.  In all of this, I'm still praying for and seeking God's vision.

And as Matthew 7:8 reminds me,

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

This weekend, I feel like I got to see a few things the God sees them - it was a lesson in perspective, and how God's vision is so much greater than my own.

• We learned recently that someone Tom's known for a long time, a woman of faith who is a year younger than I am and has three young daughters, was diagnosed quite unexpectedly with stage 4 breast cancer that has spread.  While our hearts and prayers go out to them, God reminds me that our situation - a move across country with no job at the end - is not nearly as horrible or scary as I want to make it out to be.  God is in control in our lives, just as He is in Laura's, and His will and grace shall prevail in all of our difficulties.
• Sunday afternoon, Tom performed a wedding for two people who are very dear to both of us.  It was one of those simple weddings that spoke not only of the love they have for each other, but more importantly of their commmon love for their Savior.  My favorite moment...combining their families into one with the act of communion.  It was beautiful and perfect and will be forever one of my favorite memories of living here.  And it reminded me:  Nothing matters more than the sacrifice of Christ, and that we continue to share it with all of those around us.
• Driving home from the wedding, one of Tom's former youth called for a bit of advice...hours before his first official youth group as the youth pastor.  And all I could think was let the circle be unbroken.  There is no greater compliment to who Tom has been as a youth pastor than to know how many of our former youth have followed God's call into ministry.  And I find a special completeness in knowing that on Tom's last night of official youth ministry, Cory was having his first. 
• Sunday night at youth...Tom's last night, perhaps ever, of being a youth pastor...listening as youth and leaders took the microphone to tell about what Tom has meant to them.  Hearing so often I know who I want to be because of Tom....I have a personal relationship with Christ because Tom showed me the way...thank you, Tom...along with a lot of funny stories.  I've often joked that the only job harder than being a youth pastor is being a youth pastor's family.  Sunday night as we listened to the stories and the thanks, all of the hardship and the frustrations, the evenings Tom has spent at church, the days and weeks he's been gone...they were all worth it.   To see the investment that he's made has paid off and will continue - that's not a perspective we get see very often in youth ministry and it's one that I'm so thankful we were able to experience as a family.
• And finally...snuggling with the boy before he fell asleep Sunday night...and he asked me if we'd be coming back to visit  Florida every summer like we've done in going to California each year.  Why?, I asked.  Because Florida's home, he said.  And I realized that my sweet boy, who was not yet three when we moved here, doesn't know California as home as Tom, Hanna and I do.  He doesn't remember living there and he doesn't quite share in that homecoming excitement that we have.  He's excited to be closer to grandmas and grandpas and cousins and such, but the home he knows is being pulled away.   And as I was feeling rather like a bad mom for not realizing this earlier, Caleb reminded me,  Home is where your family is. 

Thank you, Lord, for little reminders and big heart lessons, for encouragement and support.  And even more than that, thank you for new perspectives.  May I continue this new journey seeking to see with Your vision.

Vision

Have you ever had one of those moments where you soul sort of knocks on the door of your heart and then invades your head?

Did that even make even the tiniest bit of sense?

If not, I apologize, but it's the only way I can think of describe the feeling I had the other day.  Running errands, flipping between our local Christian radio stations, overwhelmed and burdened by all that my life is right now.  I find myself listening to Moody Radio quite a bit lately.  I've never been a talk radio fan, but with the void of solid preaching we've been experiencing it's become my go-to place to hear God's word.  It also plays a bit of music at different times of the day, and while much of that music is quite dated I often find it speaking directly to my heart...even when it's dated (electronic sounding trumpet fanfares, anyone?) and uses every single verse of a hymn (and yes, contrary to what some believe, hymns speak very loudly to this post-modern believer).

This day, the hymn was Be Thou My Vision.  In all honesty, I love hymns that go well with bagpipes and Be Thou My Vision does that well...but listening in the car that day, with tears in my eyes and my soul knocking, I realized that right now...what I need more than anything else...is vision.  

In the anxiety and stress of 2010, I lost God's vision for my life.  What is His call, His plan, His heart?  He is ready and already working to rebuild my broken heart and these broken lives, but I also know that He will do it in accordance with His will.  

In ways both large (ministry) and small (back to school?) and everything in between, my hope and prayer for 2011 is this...

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

A Prayer for 2011

I hadn't intended to take part in One Little Word this year.  At this place, in this time, it just seemed a bit overwhelming to try to pick one focus, one word to orient my year towards.  

But then I read this post of Felecia's yesterday, and I just wanted to say...

ditto.

2010 was perhaps the most difficult year I've known...

                       financially,

                            emotionally,

                                    spiritually.

The word I chose to live 2010 by at the beginning was 

gratitude.

And in many ways, I'm simply grateful to have made it through to a new year.  In reality, I felt like 2010's real word, the one I see permeating everything from the other end is

broken.

Broken trust, broken faith, broken hearts.

And in all of this brokenness, I've come to realize a very important lesson: it's only when you're broken that you can truly be rebuilt in the way that God wants.  When the idols have fallen, my heart is at it's most-tender, my body weary and my will least strong, He can finally begin to work, to sculpt, to build me into the person He wants me to be.

But before that, there must be...

vision.

 

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

 more soon...